Kaylyn's Knowledge

Wow. Sunday was surreal. Being baptized can do that I guess. For me, this was a different baptism. I had been baptized before…twice actually.  The first time was because I saw everyone being baptized, so I thought it was the thing to do. The second time was because I was joining a church that was of a different denomination than the first, and I just chose baptism as how I wanted to join. This third time was very different for me. Back in August I genuinely made Jesus the lord and savior over my life.  I had been playing games with Him for too long. I had been running from the truth for too long.  I had been fighting battles by myself for too long. It was all too long, but God won the chase. He won my heart. I finally surrendered my mess, my broken, my ugly all to Him. And it was glorious! On Sunday I made that decision public in front of friends, Cho-fam, and strangers. And this baptism actually meant something to me. I genuinely was “buried with Christ and was ...

The other day I happened to look down at my wrists, and that is when I saw them again. The scars I have from long ago. The scars I inflicted upon myself. Scars that many people do not even notice, but I do. I know they are there day after day. I am reminded of all the times I held a flame to a sewing needle then placed it to my skin until I could no longer feel the burning. All because I wanted to release the anger, hurt, fear, shame, and guilt, and that was the only way I thought it was possible. But you know what? It did not work. Part of me feels shameful when I see them again, and the other part of me feels peaceful because I have come so far in my journey since I inflicted pain upon myself. There are some days where I have intrusive thoughts of inflicting more pain on myself, and I have to refocus my mind to get those thoughts out of there. It is definitely a long, hard process. Not only are there physical scars but also mental ones. My mind has been scarred. Scarred so much t...