Kaylyn's Knowledge

The other day I happened to look down at my wrists, and that is when I saw them again. The scars I have from long ago. The scars I inflicted upon myself. Scars that many people do not even notice, but I do. I know they are there day after day. I am reminded of all the times I held a flame to a sewing needle then placed it to my skin until I could no longer feel the burning. All because I wanted to release the anger, hurt, fear, shame, and guilt, and that was the only way I thought it was possible. But you know what? It did not work. Part of me feels shameful when I see them again, and the other part of me feels peaceful because I have come so far in my journey since I inflicted pain upon myself. There are some days where I have intrusive thoughts of inflicting more pain on myself, and I have to refocus my mind to get those thoughts out of there. It is definitely a long, hard process. Not only are there physical scars but also mental ones. My mind has been scarred. Scarred so much t...

To the one who abused me, Have your ears been burning lately? Because I have been talking about you quite a bit. Not necessarily in a positive way though. I have had to relive the memories of all the times you hurt me all over again. I have talked about details that I have tried to forget many times. I have had the images flashing through my mind over and over again. And it has only caused my anger towards you to grow. You made me feel powerless. Gross. Shameful. Guilty. Fearful. You saw an opportunity to take control of an innocent girl and you corrupted her emotionally, physically, and mentally. You probably do not even think twice about me now. I know you did not when it was all happening. You only wanted your satisfaction. I am not going to lie, I think about you almost every day of my life. Sometimes nice things, but mostly not so nice things. I am so angry at you. You were someone I trusted. Now you have a beautiful family, and here I am still struggling in all of the relat...

Strong and Courageous…those are two words I would never use to describe myself, yet they have been the theme of my life for the past month or so. When I think of strong, I think of someone who can physically lift a large amount of weight, but the strong I am talking about here is not a physical strength, but more of a mental and spiritual strength instead. Someone with these types of strengths can withstand (or rather overcome) hardships that life has thrown at them. I say overcome because sometimes these hardships will knock us down, but the mentally and spiritually strong can stand back up and fight their way through. Courageous is just what it means, courageous. When I think of someone who is courageous, I think of someone who is not afraid of anything that comes their way, but lately that viewpoint has changed for me. Courageous does not mean you are never afraid at all, but rather you can face that fear when danger or pain come around with a braveness only God can provide. God...