Strong and Courageous

Strong and Courageous…those are two words I would never use to describe myself, yet they have been the theme of my life for the past month or so. When I think of strong, I think of someone who can physically lift a large amount of weight, but the strong I am talking about here is not a physical strength, but more of a mental and spiritual strength instead. Someone with these types of strengths can withstand (or rather overcome) hardships that life has thrown at them. I say overcome because sometimes these hardships will knock us down, but the mentally and spiritually strong can stand back up and fight their way through. Courageous is just what it means, courageous. When I think of someone who is courageous, I think of someone who is not afraid of anything that comes their way, but lately that viewpoint has changed for me. Courageous does not mean you are never afraid at all, but rather you can face that fear when danger or pain come around with a braveness only God can provide.

God gave this command to Joshua as he was about to lead the Israelites across the Jordan River and into the land He had promised them. Earlier in the same chapter God told Joshua to be strong and courageous two other times. The Israelites were outnumbered and afraid that the gods of the Canaanites would grant the Canaanites victory in battle. Oh, how we humans have such little faith and courage to trust in our God! But that brings me to my next question. What are the Canaanites in your life? What are the things you are afraid of and feel like you will never overcome? It could be overcoming past hurts in your life, financial struggles, or a relationship that is struggling. These are just a few examples of thousands of possibilities out there.

For me, my Canaanite is overcoming past hurts. Specifically, being sexually abused as a young child. I have, for years now, kept sweeping under the rug my true feelings about all of this. I would just find things to numb out and not feel any of the pain and anger that were constantly there. I never wanted to deal with it. Even in all the times I was put in counseling, three to be exact, I just basically told the therapists what they wanted to hear, so I could be done and go on my merry way. Looking back today, I know that only made the pain and anger worse, but I continued to numb out anyways. I just put a smile on my face each day because I did not want anyone to question me, and when they did, I would say I was fine and convince them that I truly was fine.

It is kind of scary how well I could fake being so “happy and put together” all these years. That was until I picked up the book Nothing to Prove by Jennie Allen over a month ago. I picked it to use as a bible study I would be leading this summer, and it has changed my life in such a radical way. It caused me to reveal these wounds that never really were healed, and start the processing and healing that my soul had been longing for all these years. With that said, these last few weeks have been far from pretty for me. My emotions were all over the place. I would have great days, and then there were days I did not even want to get out of bed or be around anyone at all. On those bad days, I would have episodes of rapid heartbeat, a heavy feeling in my chest, and the feeling I was about to just drown in tears at any moment, but they never would come. I would become very anxious and not be able to concentrate on anything. I would have conversations with people, but I could not tell you what they said five minutes later. It was exhausting to say the least, so exhausting that I began to have thoughts running through my mind that I did not want: thoughts of killing myself.

I had everything ready to do it, too. The medicine. The alcohol. The letters written. But in one last ounce of hope I had left, I reached out to a friend. I did not tell her exactly that I had these plans, but worded it in such a way that was a cry for help. Thankfully she picked that up, and that is when the real test of my strength and courage began. It started with an ER visit to be on suicide watch, and then lead me to admitting myself into a hospital to get the much needed help I knew I needed. It was far from easy to make myself go to such a place. I had been once before in high school, and it was a terrible experience. I am thankful though that I went through with admitting myself into the hospital. The whole process I had strong and courageous prayed over me and said to me. For the last 8 days I have been unplugged and disconnected from the world to engage in the help I needed and wanted. I am now home, and ready to continue this journey of processing and healing. I am strong and courageous, and those are the words I will continue to tell myself even when I feel like giving up on this.

I hope by telling you my story, or rather just a small piece of it, that it will give you hope that maybe you need in your life. I am not writing this to get pity from anyone, but merely just to encourage others that maybe need the reminder that they too can be strong and courageous if they only lean on God. I wanted to say run to God there, but there is no need because He is always by our side. My prayer for you, the reader, is to be strong and courageous in whatever trials you may be facing right now, or maybe you need to be strong and courageous for a friend who is not able to make themselves be quite yet. I pray you are supported in your journey like I have been, or that you are supporting that friend that needs you.

So here is to being strong and courageous as I continue this journey.