Beautifully Broken
Broken - having been fractured or damaged and no longer in one piece or in working order. This is the definition when you google broken. I relate so much to that definition. Broken spirit. Broken mind.
Broken spirit. I find myself angry at God. (Gasp) I know, right? How can someone be angry with God? Honestly, it is pretty easy actually. As I am on this journey of healing, I find my relationship with God needs healing, but in order to get to that point, I have to be honest with Him. This is me being honest with Him. I was journaling a few weeks ago and pouring my anger out to God. Do you know what I wrote in my journal? "I hate You, God." Wow. I never thought I would say that. I am angry at Him for allowing the sexual abuse to occur. I am angry at Him for letting my parents get a divorce. I am angry that he took my grandmother away from me. I am angry at Him for taking one of my best friend's dad away when she was only 23. I am angry that he took my other best friend's husband, and brother to me, away after only 3 months of marriage. I am angry at Him for giving me a mental illness to deal with. I am angry with God. But this anger will not last, I promise. God is softening my heart day by day. The first step towards that was me admitting my anger with Him. And you know what? He still has His arms wide open to receive me. It is not a fair trade at all that I get to have all this anger towards Him, and He still surrounds me in His all consuming love!
Broken mind. This is my biggest struggle currently. I was given the diagnosis of bipolar disorder 2 with rapid cycling while I was in the hospital. I can't control it, and that is what makes this journey so hard. There is no way for me to tell what kind of day I am going to have until it is happening. As I type this, I am sitting in my car in the Wal-Mart parking lot because I felt so anxious and could not focus on anything at work, so I left for a little bit. Mental illness sucks! Not only for the person who is actually dealing with it, but the people around them too. It interrupts my every day life. I just want to be able to get some work done or have a good conversation with a friend. But here I am, in my car, trying to get my mind to act right, which I feel is so impossible.
Here I am. Laying my brokenness out before God and you. This is me. This is the journey I have been given. It is not easy, and there are days I pray God to take me home because I do not feel strong or courageous enough to stay on this journey, but He whispers to me, "one more step." And that one more step turns into another step which turns into another. And slowly I am making my way through this journey of healing.
Be honest with God. Embrace your brokenness. Allow Him to take it and transform it into something beautiful. It will not be easy, but it will be worth it.
Broken spirit. I find myself angry at God. (Gasp) I know, right? How can someone be angry with God? Honestly, it is pretty easy actually. As I am on this journey of healing, I find my relationship with God needs healing, but in order to get to that point, I have to be honest with Him. This is me being honest with Him. I was journaling a few weeks ago and pouring my anger out to God. Do you know what I wrote in my journal? "I hate You, God." Wow. I never thought I would say that. I am angry at Him for allowing the sexual abuse to occur. I am angry at Him for letting my parents get a divorce. I am angry that he took my grandmother away from me. I am angry at Him for taking one of my best friend's dad away when she was only 23. I am angry that he took my other best friend's husband, and brother to me, away after only 3 months of marriage. I am angry at Him for giving me a mental illness to deal with. I am angry with God. But this anger will not last, I promise. God is softening my heart day by day. The first step towards that was me admitting my anger with Him. And you know what? He still has His arms wide open to receive me. It is not a fair trade at all that I get to have all this anger towards Him, and He still surrounds me in His all consuming love!
Broken mind. This is my biggest struggle currently. I was given the diagnosis of bipolar disorder 2 with rapid cycling while I was in the hospital. I can't control it, and that is what makes this journey so hard. There is no way for me to tell what kind of day I am going to have until it is happening. As I type this, I am sitting in my car in the Wal-Mart parking lot because I felt so anxious and could not focus on anything at work, so I left for a little bit. Mental illness sucks! Not only for the person who is actually dealing with it, but the people around them too. It interrupts my every day life. I just want to be able to get some work done or have a good conversation with a friend. But here I am, in my car, trying to get my mind to act right, which I feel is so impossible.
Here I am. Laying my brokenness out before God and you. This is me. This is the journey I have been given. It is not easy, and there are days I pray God to take me home because I do not feel strong or courageous enough to stay on this journey, but He whispers to me, "one more step." And that one more step turns into another step which turns into another. And slowly I am making my way through this journey of healing.
Be honest with God. Embrace your brokenness. Allow Him to take it and transform it into something beautiful. It will not be easy, but it will be worth it.
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