Fighting to Believe
It is a very scary place to be when you feel that you almost do not believe in God. Wait, what? Yes, I said it. I almost do not believe in God. Why do I say almost? Because deep down in the very depths of my heart, there is this teeny tiny ounce of hope that God is good, He is enough, He is not just a mean God putting me through hell, and He has a love for even me that I cannot understand fully.
I am at a point in my life right now where there is a strong spiritual war happening in my heart, the strongest I have ever felt it. I can either turn completely away from God, or I can run fully toward Him with the very little faith I have left in me. The enemy is trying to pull me away and take this last ounce of faith I have in my heart. He is trying to fill my mind with lies that God does not care about me, that He is not enough, that He is putting me through all of this just to be mean and make my life a living hell. He is telling me that I am not enough, that I am not doing a good job at whatever it is I may be doing, that I am not able to be cleansed of the sins I have committed, that I have to clean myself up from my mess before God would even acknowledge me.
Then, there is God who is calling my name in the very far distance. I can hardly even hear it. He is there waiting with arms wide open. He is there waiting for me to raise my hands in surrender so that He may carry me to the place my heart is so desperate to get to. What He is not doing is waiting for me to clean myself up and look pretty for Him. He is not expecting me to be perfect or to be this happy go lucky girl that I definitely am not lately.
I am a swimmer basically keeping my head above water, just barely, trying to finish my race.** And it is far from a pretty breast stroke. I am basically close to drowning, but I am fighting to get there. I am fighting to get my full belief in God back in my life. I am fighting to get to Jesus’ feet. I am fighting to keep the enemy’s lies out of my head. I am fighting. And it is exhausting. And it is scary. It is scary because I am afraid I will not find that belief in me, but I will continue to fight for it.
I am not going to lie, I did not want to write this. I did not want to share the struggle I am facing. This is a risk for me. I do not want others to look at me and see someone who should have her stuff together because she works in full time ministry. I do not want to be a stumbling block for other believers, or even nonbelievers. I do, however, want to encourage others who may be facing the same struggle as I am right now. Maybe you have had a lot of mess happen in your life, and you are wondering if God is truly good like He says He is, or maybe it is wondering if God is good, why do bad things happen. I do not have the answers to those. That is for each individual to figure out on their journey. I do want to cheer you on as you fight to figure that out and as you are fighting to keep your head above water. You are strong and courageous!
**This analogy was shared with me by a friend.
I am at a point in my life right now where there is a strong spiritual war happening in my heart, the strongest I have ever felt it. I can either turn completely away from God, or I can run fully toward Him with the very little faith I have left in me. The enemy is trying to pull me away and take this last ounce of faith I have in my heart. He is trying to fill my mind with lies that God does not care about me, that He is not enough, that He is putting me through all of this just to be mean and make my life a living hell. He is telling me that I am not enough, that I am not doing a good job at whatever it is I may be doing, that I am not able to be cleansed of the sins I have committed, that I have to clean myself up from my mess before God would even acknowledge me.
Then, there is God who is calling my name in the very far distance. I can hardly even hear it. He is there waiting with arms wide open. He is there waiting for me to raise my hands in surrender so that He may carry me to the place my heart is so desperate to get to. What He is not doing is waiting for me to clean myself up and look pretty for Him. He is not expecting me to be perfect or to be this happy go lucky girl that I definitely am not lately.
I am a swimmer basically keeping my head above water, just barely, trying to finish my race.** And it is far from a pretty breast stroke. I am basically close to drowning, but I am fighting to get there. I am fighting to get my full belief in God back in my life. I am fighting to get to Jesus’ feet. I am fighting to keep the enemy’s lies out of my head. I am fighting. And it is exhausting. And it is scary. It is scary because I am afraid I will not find that belief in me, but I will continue to fight for it.
I am not going to lie, I did not want to write this. I did not want to share the struggle I am facing. This is a risk for me. I do not want others to look at me and see someone who should have her stuff together because she works in full time ministry. I do not want to be a stumbling block for other believers, or even nonbelievers. I do, however, want to encourage others who may be facing the same struggle as I am right now. Maybe you have had a lot of mess happen in your life, and you are wondering if God is truly good like He says He is, or maybe it is wondering if God is good, why do bad things happen. I do not have the answers to those. That is for each individual to figure out on their journey. I do want to cheer you on as you fight to figure that out and as you are fighting to keep your head above water. You are strong and courageous!
**This analogy was shared with me by a friend.
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