I Got Saved
What I am about to say is going to probably be a shock to most of you reading this, but honestly, it was not for me: I gave my life to Christ last night. I know what you are probably thinking right now. What? That cannot be true. You have been going to church and working in ministry for so long. How could you not have Christ in your life? Well, I just didn’t.
It took having a hard conversation this last week with a friend. I was asked if I had ever experienced God’s grace in my life. I honestly could not answer that question without feeling like I was making something up just to answer the question. I was then asked if I could pinpoint a time in my life where I had truly given my life over to Christ and fully trusted in knowing He could forgive my sins and that He died for them. Again, I could not say yes to that. Deep down I had known this for a very long time, but because of fear of what others might think, I just played out the Christian life that I felt everyone was expecting of me.
I have been giving God lip service. I have been going through the motions. I have just had the head knowledge. But last night, that all changed for me in just a matter of minutes. I had been holding on to past sins for so long. I felt I was too far gone from God and that I could not be cleansed or forgiven of the things I had done. My heart was so hard that I felt like I was just an emotionless robot walking around most days. I knew for certain that there was one thing I had to do before I could make the leap for salvation. That was making a phone call to ask for forgiveness for some things I had done to someone so close to me a very long time ago. That conversation went much better than I thought it would go. But for some reason I still could not shake the feeling of shame and guilt.
Then, at bible study yesterday we did this exercise where we literally just wrote all the sins in our lives that we could possibly think of past and present. I filled up a whole page and definitely could have filled up 2 or 3 more pages. After we wrote them out, we tore the pages into teeny tiny pieces and threw them away. When we threw them away, it was to symbolize us turning away from them and accepting God’s grace and forgiveness over them. Again, I could not believe that God could forgive me, and I left bible study feeling way worse than I did before about being able to be cleansed and forgiven.
So I spent the rest of the day thinking about that. I could literally feel the spiritual war happening inside of me. I wanted to take that leap and genuinely accept Christ as my Lord and Savior, but the voices were so loud in my head telling me I could never be loved by God, that I could never be cleansed from my sins, that I could never live in freedom, that I could never have genuine joy in my life. They were so loud, and I wanted to just run away and scream so loudly at them to leave me alone. But I did not do that, instead I just went through the rest of my day doing what I always do, put a smile on my face and work through it.
Then, I went home. I was waiting around until my therapist appointment. I was playing worship music like I always do. I was on my phone and checking all of my social media sites as usual. I then had this overwhelming sense to put my phone down and pick up my bible. So I did. I flipped to Psalms and just started reading random ones. And somewhere in all of that, I could faintly hear God’s voice saying, “Come.” I laid my bible to the side, and I just started praying. I started out praying that God would soften my heart, that He would break the thick, thick walls that I had put up over the years. I prayed to have the innocence I had before the abuse happened in my life. I prayed that I would get my emotions back even if it meant I cried super easily at the smallest things. I just prayed.
I then literally got down on my knees in the middle of my living room, and by this point I am sobbing, and I cried out to God, “here is my life, God.” I prayed for Him to forgive me of all the sins I had written down earlier that day and all the ones I did not get the chance to write down. I told Him that I believed He sent His only Son to die for me on that cross to forgive me of all those sins. I told Him no more lip service, no more going through the motions, no more head knowledge. I told Him that I believed He was good, and that He had never left me or forsaken me. I gave my life to Christ, and it was genuine.
"This is the message we heard from Jesus and now declare to you: God is light, and there is no darkness in Him at all. So we are lying if we say we have fellowship with God but go on living in spiritual darkness; we are not practicing the truth. But if we are living in the light, as God is in the light, then we have fellowship with each other, and the blood of Jesus, His Son, cleanses us from all sin. If we claim we have no sin, we are only fooling ourselves and not living in the truth. But if we confess our sins to Him, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all wickedness. If we claim we have not sinned, we are calling God a liar and showing that His word has no place in our hearts." 1 John 1:5-10
I honestly had never felt more peaceful, more joyful, or more cleansed than I did after that prayer last night. By the time I got home, I still had a huge smile on my face, and my cheeks were hurting from it. I immediately shared this with some of my very close friends. But I am not going to lie, it was hard to admit to them that I had not had a genuine relationship with Christ, and I thought they might even be negative about it, but the excitement and joy that they showed, made me all the more excited for the decision I made last night.
I got saved! And I am not ashamed to say it took me 24 years to get there!
It took having a hard conversation this last week with a friend. I was asked if I had ever experienced God’s grace in my life. I honestly could not answer that question without feeling like I was making something up just to answer the question. I was then asked if I could pinpoint a time in my life where I had truly given my life over to Christ and fully trusted in knowing He could forgive my sins and that He died for them. Again, I could not say yes to that. Deep down I had known this for a very long time, but because of fear of what others might think, I just played out the Christian life that I felt everyone was expecting of me.
I have been giving God lip service. I have been going through the motions. I have just had the head knowledge. But last night, that all changed for me in just a matter of minutes. I had been holding on to past sins for so long. I felt I was too far gone from God and that I could not be cleansed or forgiven of the things I had done. My heart was so hard that I felt like I was just an emotionless robot walking around most days. I knew for certain that there was one thing I had to do before I could make the leap for salvation. That was making a phone call to ask for forgiveness for some things I had done to someone so close to me a very long time ago. That conversation went much better than I thought it would go. But for some reason I still could not shake the feeling of shame and guilt.
Then, at bible study yesterday we did this exercise where we literally just wrote all the sins in our lives that we could possibly think of past and present. I filled up a whole page and definitely could have filled up 2 or 3 more pages. After we wrote them out, we tore the pages into teeny tiny pieces and threw them away. When we threw them away, it was to symbolize us turning away from them and accepting God’s grace and forgiveness over them. Again, I could not believe that God could forgive me, and I left bible study feeling way worse than I did before about being able to be cleansed and forgiven.
So I spent the rest of the day thinking about that. I could literally feel the spiritual war happening inside of me. I wanted to take that leap and genuinely accept Christ as my Lord and Savior, but the voices were so loud in my head telling me I could never be loved by God, that I could never be cleansed from my sins, that I could never live in freedom, that I could never have genuine joy in my life. They were so loud, and I wanted to just run away and scream so loudly at them to leave me alone. But I did not do that, instead I just went through the rest of my day doing what I always do, put a smile on my face and work through it.
Then, I went home. I was waiting around until my therapist appointment. I was playing worship music like I always do. I was on my phone and checking all of my social media sites as usual. I then had this overwhelming sense to put my phone down and pick up my bible. So I did. I flipped to Psalms and just started reading random ones. And somewhere in all of that, I could faintly hear God’s voice saying, “Come.” I laid my bible to the side, and I just started praying. I started out praying that God would soften my heart, that He would break the thick, thick walls that I had put up over the years. I prayed to have the innocence I had before the abuse happened in my life. I prayed that I would get my emotions back even if it meant I cried super easily at the smallest things. I just prayed.
I then literally got down on my knees in the middle of my living room, and by this point I am sobbing, and I cried out to God, “here is my life, God.” I prayed for Him to forgive me of all the sins I had written down earlier that day and all the ones I did not get the chance to write down. I told Him that I believed He sent His only Son to die for me on that cross to forgive me of all those sins. I told Him no more lip service, no more going through the motions, no more head knowledge. I told Him that I believed He was good, and that He had never left me or forsaken me. I gave my life to Christ, and it was genuine.
"This is the message we heard from Jesus and now declare to you: God is light, and there is no darkness in Him at all. So we are lying if we say we have fellowship with God but go on living in spiritual darkness; we are not practicing the truth. But if we are living in the light, as God is in the light, then we have fellowship with each other, and the blood of Jesus, His Son, cleanses us from all sin. If we claim we have no sin, we are only fooling ourselves and not living in the truth. But if we confess our sins to Him, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all wickedness. If we claim we have not sinned, we are calling God a liar and showing that His word has no place in our hearts." 1 John 1:5-10
I honestly had never felt more peaceful, more joyful, or more cleansed than I did after that prayer last night. By the time I got home, I still had a huge smile on my face, and my cheeks were hurting from it. I immediately shared this with some of my very close friends. But I am not going to lie, it was hard to admit to them that I had not had a genuine relationship with Christ, and I thought they might even be negative about it, but the excitement and joy that they showed, made me all the more excited for the decision I made last night.
I got saved! And I am not ashamed to say it took me 24 years to get there!
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