Kaylyn's Knowledge

Mundane: lacking interest or excitement; dull The other day as I walked in a downtown area, I saw these young men with shovels just scraping and digging up all the grass in the cracks of the concrete. Then, it dawned on me, this was an actual job I would have never thought about. Yet, here in the blazing sun, these men were working hard to do that very job. Then, I had this profound appreciation for the men and women who do these mundane (at least it would be to me) tasks. Who would even think that was a job? Definitely not me. Then, I had this overwhelming guilt because there are all kinds of jobs and people that I tend to overlook. These people are children of God, too, so why do I overlook them? That is a great question. “Then the righteous will answer Him, ‘Lord, when did we see You hungry, and feed You, or thirsty, and give You something to drink? And when did we see You as a stranger, and invite You in, or naked, and clothe You? And when did we see You sick, or in pr...

As my 25 th birthday approaches, I have done quite a bit of reflecting on my life lately. For starters, three and a half months ago, I did not even see myself making it to this day. I was in such a dark place in my life and had absolutely no hope or desire to stay alive.  Then, just two months ago I fully surrendered my life over to Christ. Needless to say, a lot has happened in the last year. This last year was not at all what I planned it to look like, but then again, it was not my plan to make anyways. In the last year, I was in a relationship that I thought might end in marriage but ended only in confusion, I lost a friend who was a brother to me, I moved my entire life to Texas, I started a career in camp ministry, I have started new friendships, I have deepened old relationships, I went through a very dark time in my life and contemplated suicide, I had an eight day hospital stay to get myself better, I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder 2 with rapid cycling, I have ...

Balance: a condition in which different elements are equal or in the correct proportions. I do not know about some of you guys, but I have such a hard time balancing my life sometimes. It has been a whirlwind since my hospital stay. I feel like I have not really had any down time since then. There is this piece of me that truly wants to get plugged in to everything that comes my way whether at church, at work, or the Livingston community. I want to hang out with people, I want to be involved, and I want to feel connected. At the same time, though, I want to find solitude and rest, but I have a hard time doing that being as connected as I have been lately. I am trying to find the balance of being connected enough where I am not isolating myself again and people are not worrying about me, but also finding my down time to recharge. It also does not help that I am an introvert and my way of recharging is by being alone. Here lately, I have maybe had a few hours of just straight do...

I have now been out of the hospital for about two months. Some days it seems like forever ago, and then, there are days that seem like it was just yesterday that I was there. Since my hospital stay and my blog posts began, I have gotten numerous messages regarding what I have written about. Most of these messages are from people encouraging me to keep going and letting me know they are praying for me.  Then, there are the small handful that are messaging me because they are going through a lot of the same things that I write about. These are the ones I write for. These are the ones I pray for as I am on my journey. These are the ones my heart aches for because I know the struggle. These are the ones that I hope find the freedom that I have found in Christ. These are the ones that I long for them to find the hope that I have found. These are the ones I want oh so badly to find genuine joy in their lives. These are the ones I wish could see their worth. These are the ones that I...

The other day I happened to look down at my wrists, and that is when I saw them again. The scars I have from long ago. The scars I inflicted upon myself. Scars that many people do not even notice, but I do. I know they are there day after day. I am reminded of all the times I held a flame to a sewing needle then placed it to my skin until I could no longer feel the burning. All because I wanted to release the anger, hurt, fear, shame, and guilt, and that was the only way I thought it was possible. But you know what? It did not work. Part of me feels shameful when I see them again, and the other part of me feels peaceful because I have come so far in my journey since I inflicted pain upon myself. There are some days where I have intrusive thoughts of inflicting more pain on myself, and I have to refocus my mind to get those thoughts out of there. It is definitely a long, hard process. Not only are there physical scars but also mental ones. My mind has been scarred. Scarred so much t...

To the one who abused me, Have your ears been burning lately? Because I have been talking about you quite a bit. Not necessarily in a positive way though. I have had to relive the memories of all the times you hurt me all over again. I have talked about details that I have tried to forget many times. I have had the images flashing through my mind over and over again. And it has only caused my anger towards you to grow. You made me feel powerless. Gross. Shameful. Guilty. Fearful. You saw an opportunity to take control of an innocent girl and you corrupted her emotionally, physically, and mentally. You probably do not even think twice about me now. I know you did not when it was all happening. You only wanted your satisfaction. I am not going to lie, I think about you almost every day of my life. Sometimes nice things, but mostly not so nice things. I am so angry at you. You were someone I trusted. Now you have a beautiful family, and here I am still struggling in all of the relat...