Kaylyn's Knowledge

The other day I happened to look down at my wrists, and that is when I saw them again. The scars I have from long ago. The scars I inflicted upon myself. Scars that many people do not even notice, but I do. I know they are there day after day. I am reminded of all the times I held a flame to a sewing needle then placed it to my skin until I could no longer feel the burning. All because I wanted to release the anger, hurt, fear, shame, and guilt, and that was the only way I thought it was possible. But you know what? It did not work. Part of me feels shameful when I see them again, and the other part of me feels peaceful because I have come so far in my journey since I inflicted pain upon myself. There are some days where I have intrusive thoughts of inflicting more pain on myself, and I have to refocus my mind to get those thoughts out of there. It is definitely a long, hard process. Not only are there physical scars but also mental ones. My mind has been scarred. Scarred so much t...

To the one who abused me, Have your ears been burning lately? Because I have been talking about you quite a bit. Not necessarily in a positive way though. I have had to relive the memories of all the times you hurt me all over again. I have talked about details that I have tried to forget many times. I have had the images flashing through my mind over and over again. And it has only caused my anger towards you to grow. You made me feel powerless. Gross. Shameful. Guilty. Fearful. You saw an opportunity to take control of an innocent girl and you corrupted her emotionally, physically, and mentally. You probably do not even think twice about me now. I know you did not when it was all happening. You only wanted your satisfaction. I am not going to lie, I think about you almost every day of my life. Sometimes nice things, but mostly not so nice things. I am so angry at you. You were someone I trusted. Now you have a beautiful family, and here I am still struggling in all of the relat...

What I am about to say is going to probably be a shock to most of you reading this, but honestly, it was not for me: I gave my life to Christ last night. I know what you are probably thinking right now. What? That cannot be true. You have been going to church and working in ministry for so long. How could you not have Christ in your life? Well, I just didn’t. It took having a hard conversation this last week with a friend. I was asked if I had ever experienced God’s grace in my life. I honestly could not answer that question without feeling like I was making something up just to answer the question. I was then asked if I could pinpoint a time in my life where I had truly given my life over to Christ and fully trusted in knowing He could forgive my sins and that He died for them. Again, I could not say yes to that. Deep down I had known this for a very long time, but because of fear of what others might think, I just played out the Christian life that I felt everyone was expecting o...