Kaylyn's Knowledge

What I am about to say is going to probably be a shock to most of you reading this, but honestly, it was not for me: I gave my life to Christ last night. I know what you are probably thinking right now. What? That cannot be true. You have been going to church and working in ministry for so long. How could you not have Christ in your life? Well, I just didn’t. It took having a hard conversation this last week with a friend. I was asked if I had ever experienced God’s grace in my life. I honestly could not answer that question without feeling like I was making something up just to answer the question. I was then asked if I could pinpoint a time in my life where I had truly given my life over to Christ and fully trusted in knowing He could forgive my sins and that He died for them. Again, I could not say yes to that. Deep down I had known this for a very long time, but because of fear of what others might think, I just played out the Christian life that I felt everyone was expecting o...

All my life I have heard “serve others” or “put others before yourself.” Let’s not forget the lovely acronym, JOY: Jesus, Others, Yourself. It is drilled into us from a young age, especially if you grew up in church, but what you do not hear is to take care of yourself, or make sure to set time aside for yourself. At least not as much as you hear to serve others. To serve others well, you must take time to rest and fill yourself up, or ultimately you will crash and burn. It is definitely not the mentality I have. This has been a struggle for me on this journey of healing. I still find myself daily thinking that I have to get this done for so and so, or I feel anxious, but I go to work anyways because I do not want to put more work on someone else. Or even when I feel like bursting into tears, I still serve that guest with a smile on my face. I do that because I have always felt the need to serve others. To serve others above myself when I am crying loudly on the inside. I do not li...

It is a very scary place to be when you feel that you almost do not believe in God. Wait, what? Yes, I said it. I almost do not believe in God. Why do I say almost? Because deep down in the very depths of my heart, there is this teeny tiny ounce of hope that God is good, He is enough, He is not just a mean God putting me through hell, and He has a love for even me that I cannot understand fully. I am at a point in my life right now where there is a strong spiritual war happening in my heart, the strongest I have ever felt it. I can either turn completely away from God, or I can run fully toward Him with the very little faith I have left in me. The enemy is trying to pull me away and take this last ounce of faith I have in my heart. He is trying to fill my mind with lies that God does not care about me, that He is not enough, that He is putting me through all of this just to be mean and make my life a living hell. He is telling me that I am not enough, that I am not doing a good job a...

Broken - having been fractured or damaged and no longer in one piece or in working order. This is the definition when you google broken. I relate so much to that definition. Broken spirit. Broken mind. Broken spirit. I find myself angry at God. (Gasp) I know, right? How can someone be angry with God? Honestly, it is pretty easy actually. As I am on this journey of healing, I find my relationship with God needs healing, but in order to get to that point, I have to be honest with Him. This is me being honest with Him. I was journaling a few weeks ago and pouring my anger out to God. Do you know what I wrote in my journal? "I hate You, God." Wow. I never thought I would say that. I am angry at Him for allowing the sexual abuse to occur. I am angry at Him for letting my parents get a divorce. I am angry that he took my grandmother away from me. I am angry at Him for taking one of my best friend's dad away when she was only 23. I am angry that he took my other best friend...

Strong and Courageous…those are two words I would never use to describe myself, yet they have been the theme of my life for the past month or so. When I think of strong, I think of someone who can physically lift a large amount of weight, but the strong I am talking about here is not a physical strength, but more of a mental and spiritual strength instead. Someone with these types of strengths can withstand (or rather overcome) hardships that life has thrown at them. I say overcome because sometimes these hardships will knock us down, but the mentally and spiritually strong can stand back up and fight their way through. Courageous is just what it means, courageous. When I think of someone who is courageous, I think of someone who is not afraid of anything that comes their way, but lately that viewpoint has changed for me. Courageous does not mean you are never afraid at all, but rather you can face that fear when danger or pain come around with a braveness only God can provide. God...

I have noticed that I am not that great at blogging. I really have to get better at it. I am writing now, one, to give a full detailed update on my life since graduating college, and two, to give my thoughts on adult life. First off, I graduated college back in May! Woohoo! Second, I served a fourth summer at Camp Siloam, the greatest place on earth! I got home from the summer with plans to just intern another year at my home church and work until I got myself ready for graduate school. From the time I got home, I just did not have any kind of peace about staying at home and interning with my church. I had been looking at camp jobs throughout the summer and mulling over the idea of applying to work at church camps. (For those of you that do not know, that is what I feel called to do by God, camp ministry.) Anyways, I applied for a few internship positions at camps. I got a call from only one of them. We setup a skype interview call, had the interview the next day, and within...

It was our last full day in Ireland. We were getting ready to catch the tour bus to head out for Giant's Causeway. I was checking my phone one last time with wifi before we left. There have been a couple moments where I have wished I had just waited to check my phone when we got back instead of before we left. The news I saw on my Facebook newsfeed was devastating. Shelby Seabaugh had passed away. "Wait, isn't she only 21," I thought to myself. I was sure they had the wrong person. Maybe it's just an early April Fools?? Nope. None of those things. She had passed away in her sleep Wednesday night. But I just talked to her a couple weeks ago! How did this come up so sudden!? All these questions started running through my head. I had no idea what was going on, and I couldn't receive/make calls or texts because I didn't have an international plan on my cell. I just wanted to be with my Camp Siloam family in that very instant. I stopped and pray...