Kaylyn's Knowledge

Wow. Sunday was surreal. Being baptized can do that I guess. For me, this was a different baptism. I had been baptized before…twice actually.  The first time was because I saw everyone being baptized, so I thought it was the thing to do. The second time was because I was joining a church that was of a different denomination than the first, and I just chose baptism as how I wanted to join. This third time was very different for me. Back in August I genuinely made Jesus the lord and savior over my life.  I had been playing games with Him for too long. I had been running from the truth for too long.  I had been fighting battles by myself for too long. It was all too long, but God won the chase. He won my heart. I finally surrendered my mess, my broken, my ugly all to Him. And it was glorious! On Sunday I made that decision public in front of friends, Cho-fam, and strangers. And this baptism actually meant something to me. I genuinely was “buried with Christ and was ...

Mundane: lacking interest or excitement; dull The other day as I walked in a downtown area, I saw these young men with shovels just scraping and digging up all the grass in the cracks of the concrete. Then, it dawned on me, this was an actual job I would have never thought about. Yet, here in the blazing sun, these men were working hard to do that very job. Then, I had this profound appreciation for the men and women who do these mundane (at least it would be to me) tasks. Who would even think that was a job? Definitely not me. Then, I had this overwhelming guilt because there are all kinds of jobs and people that I tend to overlook. These people are children of God, too, so why do I overlook them? That is a great question. “Then the righteous will answer Him, ‘Lord, when did we see You hungry, and feed You, or thirsty, and give You something to drink? And when did we see You as a stranger, and invite You in, or naked, and clothe You? And when did we see You sick, or in pr...

As my 25 th birthday approaches, I have done quite a bit of reflecting on my life lately. For starters, three and a half months ago, I did not even see myself making it to this day. I was in such a dark place in my life and had absolutely no hope or desire to stay alive.  Then, just two months ago I fully surrendered my life over to Christ. Needless to say, a lot has happened in the last year. This last year was not at all what I planned it to look like, but then again, it was not my plan to make anyways. In the last year, I was in a relationship that I thought might end in marriage but ended only in confusion, I lost a friend who was a brother to me, I moved my entire life to Texas, I started a career in camp ministry, I have started new friendships, I have deepened old relationships, I went through a very dark time in my life and contemplated suicide, I had an eight day hospital stay to get myself better, I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder 2 with rapid cycling, I have ...

Balance: a condition in which different elements are equal or in the correct proportions. I do not know about some of you guys, but I have such a hard time balancing my life sometimes. It has been a whirlwind since my hospital stay. I feel like I have not really had any down time since then. There is this piece of me that truly wants to get plugged in to everything that comes my way whether at church, at work, or the Livingston community. I want to hang out with people, I want to be involved, and I want to feel connected. At the same time, though, I want to find solitude and rest, but I have a hard time doing that being as connected as I have been lately. I am trying to find the balance of being connected enough where I am not isolating myself again and people are not worrying about me, but also finding my down time to recharge. It also does not help that I am an introvert and my way of recharging is by being alone. Here lately, I have maybe had a few hours of just straight do...

I have now been out of the hospital for about two months. Some days it seems like forever ago, and then, there are days that seem like it was just yesterday that I was there. Since my hospital stay and my blog posts began, I have gotten numerous messages regarding what I have written about. Most of these messages are from people encouraging me to keep going and letting me know they are praying for me.  Then, there are the small handful that are messaging me because they are going through a lot of the same things that I write about. These are the ones I write for. These are the ones I pray for as I am on my journey. These are the ones my heart aches for because I know the struggle. These are the ones that I hope find the freedom that I have found in Christ. These are the ones that I long for them to find the hope that I have found. These are the ones I want oh so badly to find genuine joy in their lives. These are the ones I wish could see their worth. These are the ones that I...

The other day I happened to look down at my wrists, and that is when I saw them again. The scars I have from long ago. The scars I inflicted upon myself. Scars that many people do not even notice, but I do. I know they are there day after day. I am reminded of all the times I held a flame to a sewing needle then placed it to my skin until I could no longer feel the burning. All because I wanted to release the anger, hurt, fear, shame, and guilt, and that was the only way I thought it was possible. But you know what? It did not work. Part of me feels shameful when I see them again, and the other part of me feels peaceful because I have come so far in my journey since I inflicted pain upon myself. There are some days where I have intrusive thoughts of inflicting more pain on myself, and I have to refocus my mind to get those thoughts out of there. It is definitely a long, hard process. Not only are there physical scars but also mental ones. My mind has been scarred. Scarred so much t...

To the one who abused me, Have your ears been burning lately? Because I have been talking about you quite a bit. Not necessarily in a positive way though. I have had to relive the memories of all the times you hurt me all over again. I have talked about details that I have tried to forget many times. I have had the images flashing through my mind over and over again. And it has only caused my anger towards you to grow. You made me feel powerless. Gross. Shameful. Guilty. Fearful. You saw an opportunity to take control of an innocent girl and you corrupted her emotionally, physically, and mentally. You probably do not even think twice about me now. I know you did not when it was all happening. You only wanted your satisfaction. I am not going to lie, I think about you almost every day of my life. Sometimes nice things, but mostly not so nice things. I am so angry at you. You were someone I trusted. Now you have a beautiful family, and here I am still struggling in all of the relat...

What I am about to say is going to probably be a shock to most of you reading this, but honestly, it was not for me: I gave my life to Christ last night. I know what you are probably thinking right now. What? That cannot be true. You have been going to church and working in ministry for so long. How could you not have Christ in your life? Well, I just didn’t. It took having a hard conversation this last week with a friend. I was asked if I had ever experienced God’s grace in my life. I honestly could not answer that question without feeling like I was making something up just to answer the question. I was then asked if I could pinpoint a time in my life where I had truly given my life over to Christ and fully trusted in knowing He could forgive my sins and that He died for them. Again, I could not say yes to that. Deep down I had known this for a very long time, but because of fear of what others might think, I just played out the Christian life that I felt everyone was expecting o...

All my life I have heard “serve others” or “put others before yourself.” Let’s not forget the lovely acronym, JOY: Jesus, Others, Yourself. It is drilled into us from a young age, especially if you grew up in church, but what you do not hear is to take care of yourself, or make sure to set time aside for yourself. At least not as much as you hear to serve others. To serve others well, you must take time to rest and fill yourself up, or ultimately you will crash and burn. It is definitely not the mentality I have. This has been a struggle for me on this journey of healing. I still find myself daily thinking that I have to get this done for so and so, or I feel anxious, but I go to work anyways because I do not want to put more work on someone else. Or even when I feel like bursting into tears, I still serve that guest with a smile on my face. I do that because I have always felt the need to serve others. To serve others above myself when I am crying loudly on the inside. I do not li...

It is a very scary place to be when you feel that you almost do not believe in God. Wait, what? Yes, I said it. I almost do not believe in God. Why do I say almost? Because deep down in the very depths of my heart, there is this teeny tiny ounce of hope that God is good, He is enough, He is not just a mean God putting me through hell, and He has a love for even me that I cannot understand fully. I am at a point in my life right now where there is a strong spiritual war happening in my heart, the strongest I have ever felt it. I can either turn completely away from God, or I can run fully toward Him with the very little faith I have left in me. The enemy is trying to pull me away and take this last ounce of faith I have in my heart. He is trying to fill my mind with lies that God does not care about me, that He is not enough, that He is putting me through all of this just to be mean and make my life a living hell. He is telling me that I am not enough, that I am not doing a good job a...

Broken - having been fractured or damaged and no longer in one piece or in working order. This is the definition when you google broken. I relate so much to that definition. Broken spirit. Broken mind. Broken spirit. I find myself angry at God. (Gasp) I know, right? How can someone be angry with God? Honestly, it is pretty easy actually. As I am on this journey of healing, I find my relationship with God needs healing, but in order to get to that point, I have to be honest with Him. This is me being honest with Him. I was journaling a few weeks ago and pouring my anger out to God. Do you know what I wrote in my journal? "I hate You, God." Wow. I never thought I would say that. I am angry at Him for allowing the sexual abuse to occur. I am angry at Him for letting my parents get a divorce. I am angry that he took my grandmother away from me. I am angry at Him for taking one of my best friend's dad away when she was only 23. I am angry that he took my other best friend...

Strong and Courageous…those are two words I would never use to describe myself, yet they have been the theme of my life for the past month or so. When I think of strong, I think of someone who can physically lift a large amount of weight, but the strong I am talking about here is not a physical strength, but more of a mental and spiritual strength instead. Someone with these types of strengths can withstand (or rather overcome) hardships that life has thrown at them. I say overcome because sometimes these hardships will knock us down, but the mentally and spiritually strong can stand back up and fight their way through. Courageous is just what it means, courageous. When I think of someone who is courageous, I think of someone who is not afraid of anything that comes their way, but lately that viewpoint has changed for me. Courageous does not mean you are never afraid at all, but rather you can face that fear when danger or pain come around with a braveness only God can provide. God...